Why Your Grief Doesn’t Define You

Grief shouldn’t consume your life. Even though someone else’s life has ended, you shouldn’t feel like yours should suffer instead. It’s normal to feel as though life is hopeless after you lose someone close to you but life is for living and this is why I’m going to tell you why my grief doesn’t define me and how I’m not just the girl who lost her mum.

When something unexpectedly awful happens, it’s debatabley even worse than losing someone you were expecting to such as from a long term illness. However, no one’s loss should be favoured over another. The feeling is exactly the same and you will experience similar mindsets. The worst feeling is how it could have happened to you. It seems so unfair and you start questioning so many what ifs that your brain just can’t cope. What if I spent more time with them? What if I told them I loved them more? What if I stopped them from doing that?

This is the worst kind of torture and if like me, you’ve experienced this, then you’ll know it’s a hard feeling to shake at first. I don’t blame myself but I wish I could have done something (if anything.) Now though, I honestly believe things happen for a reason and maybe it was really my mum’s time to go. It’s the only thing that has put my mind at rest through the grief and pain of it all.

I think about the positive things that have happened since my mum died. I have become even closer with my family, friends and boyfriend, I have got back in contact with old friends and I have become so determined to live life well and make a good career for myself. I feel so much more focused, independent and ready to face what life throws at me. Of course, I wished it had never happened but the pain will fade slightly and I’ll only keep feeling stronger.

At first, friends and family will give you copious amounts of sympathy which will make you feel like ‘the girl who’s lost her mum/ dad/ brother/ sister (whoever)’ but that’s not who you have to be. You will be able to go to a funeral again. You will experience happiness again. You will be able to get on with your life without them.

Having a support network around you, pushes you to feel ‘normal’ again (whatever that may be) and will help you through the bad days. It can be hard not to torture yourself with intimate details of what happened and how you felt. It’s not so much feeling that you miss them (although I do) but I go back to when it happened and THAT’S the kind of grief I put myself through. I know I shouldn’t but it’s easier said than done to just push those thoughts from your head.

It will be a year since she’s been gone next weekend which seems crazy. It only feels like a couple of months ago.

I haven’t changed through my experience of grief and neither should you. I may have got stronger and wiser about life but that also comes with age. I sometimes feel a bit more negative than I used to but I know that in time that too will change and my positivity will come back.

What experiences do you have with grief and how do you overcome it?

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