Sports

Okay, so we know you love sports (hopefully not more than us, but we do wonder sometimes.) We know it’s a good social thing so we’re happy for you about that but seriously CALM DOWN!

We aren’t really allowed to be around you when it’s on which frankly is a bit rude. Our opinions aren’t valid because we just don’t ‘get’ it and if we talk to you when it’s on we get the look of death. To be honest we don’t know why you can’t just Sky + it and watch it in your own time like the rest of us but we wouldn’t even dare suggest that.

How can you go a whole day of watching it? One match after another like a monotonous cycle. It seems absurd to us but you never seem to get bored. We dread the thought of when your team lose though. It puts you in a bad mood for the rest of the day and you take it out on us like it’s our fault! Seriously, can’t we just be your break from this weird obsession?

Another problem is FIFA. If allowed you would spend the whole day doing this too. It’s unhealthy and strangely actually sounds like a disease as well.  What’s with the competitiveness? I hate to say it but it’s just a game. Who cares if you lose? You can play it again and again as long as it’s not against us. You only do that so you can win and feel good about yourselves again. Not cool.

Also, when watching football, we don’t understand why you get so passionate about it. You aren’t actually playing so don’t act as if you are! The players can’t help it if they miss a shot, it’s not the manager’s fault either so stop with the abuse it’s not attractive.

Some of us pretend to be sporty so we feel involved. We don’t actually know anything about it but we’re willing to learn to impress you. There is also a minority of us who are genuinely interested and good at sport. I don’t know much about that so you’ll have to ask them…

This doesn’t really apply to other sports as much. Maybe a little with rugby. We don’t like that, it’s way too rough, please don’t play it. Watching cricket is like asking us to be tortured for however long it goes on for. Those test matches that go on for days…wow kill me now. It always kind of looks appealing; standing in the sun and not really moving very much and all in white to reflect the heat but seriously it goes on for hours and it’s very hard to tell who’s winning. The score seems to go up in hundreds. Please explain to us how this works. Actually on second thoughts please don’t.  Tennis is alright, well I think it is, I’ve always fancied going to Wimbledon but we don’t get many other Tennis matches on TV. What else? Oh… The Grand Prix.

It’s a tricky one this. I don’t fully understand how it works. I’d quite like to drive in one but seriously like 40 laps of a track, you’ve got to be kidding me! Watching the same cars go round again and again? Nope, not for us I don’t think. It’s boring noisy and extremely dangerous. (Again please don’t aim to be an F1 driver)

Then there’s the matter of The World Cup. This doesn’t bother us so much because it’s only every 4 years and the whole nation seems to enjoy it so we might as well get out the flags and celebrate too. Again, I’m not quite sure on how it all works but DON’T watch the bit where they decide who’s playing against who in what round. It’s ridiculously boring and it’s not like you won’t find out when you watch the actual match. Again waste of time.

There are a few more including the Grand National which is disgusting but isn’t that popular with our age group so is not an issue. The Olympics which we enjoy, well I do and American Football. This one we have an issue with. The Superbowl we only like for one reason and one reason only; the half time show. You don’t like this part. Fair enough, we just like to see Beyoncé belting out her tunes; that is all. The actual game itself we don’t understand and we don’t actually think you do either! You just pretend to, to look cool (well except those of you who play it.)

So there you have it, sports are there for fun. They’re just games so don’t obsess over them so much even when you are playing them. You aren’t in the Olympics so stop showing off before you make a fool of yourself!

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