My Love Hate Relationship with Being Alone

I’m not sure when this started. I’m actually quite an unsociable person and would prefer to eat lunch on my own than have to make conversation or the dreaded small talk through mouthfuls. I’d prefer to travel alone, work alone (although I’d probably be highly unmotivated!) and shopping on your own is so much easier. So how then, can I hate it just as much as I love it?

Ever since my mum passed away, I hate having time to myself because that’s when my brain starts to wander and replay the awfulness again and again. Why torture yourself you may ask. Well it’s hard not to; it’s as though the thoughts are ingrained into my mind. I barely ever have trouble sleeping anymore because that’s time alone that I don’t notice and let’s face it, life is flipping tiring when you commute to work and do a 9-5 job so sleep comes easily.

I have to be doing something. I can’t just sit there with my thoughts which is why meditation is just something I struggle to do. I can’t turn my brain off. There are thoughts constantly whizzing through my brain; random snippets of the day, conversations I’ve had and what the rest of the week may hold. I wish I could eliminate them for a short while and simply turn off, maybe I’d be less tired all the time.

I dread that weekend where I’ve got nothing planned, no one to meet up with or nowhere to go. It sounds selfish and maybe a little pathetic. A lot of people in third world countries don’t even know when it’s the weekend. All their days are spent fighting for their lives and do they complain even though they’ve got reason to? No.

I’m lucky. I’ve got a good life and am surrounded by people who care about me. Because of this, I wouldn’t call it loneliness. Maybe it’s a dependency on my relationship that has me not wanting to spend time alone. Time that I used to spend alone is now spent with my boyfriend. As soon as he’s gone, I feel a bit lost. Yes, I’ve got my own life and friends; we don’t stop each other from doing anything but I can’t spend the evening just watching TV. I also don’t have the attention span for something like that. There’s the occasional series that I will get into but I soon get bored. They get too complex and I lose interest.

My boyfriend says I need a hobby. He has gaming and will spend hours communicating with others in a virtual world. I do Zumba which I enjoy and I was going to the gym but got bored of that pretty quick. Maybe I need something that isn’t exercise related. However, it’s not the social side that I crave, it’s the distraction. The distraction of having something to do so that I don’t think about what has previously happened in my life and the fact that I sometimes panic everyone else is going to be taken away from me too.

Sunday’s are the worst. I always make sure I’m doing something otherwise my brain unconsciously decides, not today, and voilà; I’m in a bad mood. Hopefully, I’ll start to get over this because I never used to mind being on my own. Here’s to the joys of being a hormonal girl (although I can’t blame it all on hormones.)

 

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