2019 was many things to me. It wasn’t an extraordinary year by any means. I didn’t achieve any massive goals or pass any significant milestones yet it was a year of growth. Growth in my confidence and abilities but also growth in my personality. I learnt a lot about myself this year. I stood up for myself more than I have ever done before and I’m finally gaining a stronger sense of self.
One thing I am proud of is how much I pushed myself out of my comfort zone this year. I continue to do this year upon year and although at the time, I feel sick and nervous, I always come away proud of what I’ve achieved even if it didn’t yield the success I hoped for.
Success is a funny word. How we define success always interests me. Looking at my life in a materialistic sense, you wouldn’t really call it a success. However, if you look at how far I’ve come from the shy, emotional wreck of a girl who arrived home from Uni to the girl standing in front of you now then I’d call that a success.
This year has come with its challenges. Mental health wise, I haven’t always felt on top of my game and I’ll admit, there have been lots of evenings where I’ve come through the door and gone straight to bed without saying a word. Things were difficult in the latter part of the year due to the stress of finding Rich a job. It put pressure on our relationship for a short while but he soon found something so that cloud definitely had a silver lining in the end.
The summer months were a blast though. The warmer weather cheered me up and we enjoyed the most amazing week away in Greece relaxing in the sunshine and marvelling at the beauty of the island. Rich graduated soon after and I was bursting with pride as he stepped upon that stage to collect his degree. I also passed my Marketing Assistant diploma with a distinction which was nice.
In other news, we went to the New Forest, Amsterdam, to gigs, on dates, on double dates, celebrated birthdays and new jobs, new houses and long hot, bank holiday weekends. We visited Oxford for the first time and fell in love with the place, we visited Shoreditch for the first time and didn’t fall in love with it.
There have been so many good times which far outweigh the bad and for that, I’m really thankful. Looking back, it has been a good year. A year of routine and bobbing along somewhat merrily. A year of saving as much money as I can for the future. A year of self reflection and decision making as to what it really is that I want out of life. I’m still not quite sure what that is but I’ve got time to find that out.
Time is something I want to make more of in 2020. I will be writing a separate post of intentions for 2020 but I want to use my time more effectively next year. I’m a massive procrastinator and this year, that tendency has won over more often than not. It’s played a huge part in my low moods and I know that one leads to another. If anyone has any tips around how to stop procrastinating, I’d be very grateful!
Writing was something I didn’t do enough of this year. I haven’t posted much on this blog and when once I would have beaten myself up about it, this year I didn’t. I know in order to be a good writer, I should practise as much as possible but there have been a lot of times where I simply just didn’t feel like writing. Writing down my deepest thoughts is cathartic and it’s like I almost forgot that it could pull me out of a slump.
My creative writing has taken a back seat this year. I did write one short story which I submitted to a competition but I didn’t hear anything. I was surprised that not hearing back didn’t make me feel like a failure. I’m not good at dealing with criticism and I take things way too personally but honestly, this year, I’ve been lacking in creativity. I’ve sat at my laptop for hours wishing for words to just pour from my fingertips which they often do and are in fact doing now but words eluded me more often than not. I felt like I didn’t have anything to say and what I did have to say could be misconstrued, taken the wrong way or come across as me just having a moan.
I want my blog to be a positive space but also a place where people come and think, yes – I feel like that too. Striking that balance sometimes can be hard especially when it feels like everything’s been written about before. Maybe I just need some more confidence in my writing ability. Another intention to add to the list for 2020.
I don’t know what the next year has in store but I hope it’s a positive one, another year of growth and one that will bring happiness. Here’s to a brilliant 2020.